Rachel on Veteran's Day
"Here
we go again" thought Rachel, "Yet
another holiday being celebrated
at this pathetic elementary school. This school is totally retarded
when it comes to celebrating holidays."
"Let's
see it's like November 11th so we must be going to the gym
for somehow inappropriate Vet's day assembly. right?" Rachel
asked her teacher, Mrs.
White.
"NO!
That would be totally inappropriate because there's not a
single
child in this school who is old enough to be drafted. We're going
to our Christmas Assembly" explained Ms. White.
Rachel was
confused. "What
a goddamn minute, first Vet's day has nothing
to do with the military, it's about our Pet Health Care professionals.
Second it's November why the hell are we having our Christmas
assembly.
now?
"I know" confessed the teacher, "the
Christmas season officially starts
around Columbus Day, so we're very late ..."
"Wait
one cotton picking minute." Rachel insisted "we
go to a pubic school . . . Sorry public school, I thought we
weren't allowed to say Columbus Day or Christmas."
"Well, you have a point there" Ms. White reluctantly
agreed, "We now
celebrate Capital of Ohio Day and Jesus's Birthday"
"Si" chimed
the Mexican Kid in the back "My
birthday is December 25th and
I want to celebrate it my hanging footwear on my stove and sticking
needles in trees and sitting on the lap of a hairy caucasian
man, and watching John Stamos being taught a valuable lesson
by three ghosts that look like Bob Saget, Dave Coullier and
Kirk Cameron's sister."
"...
And if that's how little Jesus DeRodregiez-Gongallazez-EzChez
wants
to celebrate his birthday, then by gum that's how Andrew Ridgeley Elementary
School is going to celebrate it."
Rachel
Sighed. "I
fucking hate my school. At least if it was George
Michael Elementary school the bathrooms might be entertaining.
In a few
short years I can go to Ed Begley Junior High, and be out of
here . . . but
not before I go to Ken Griffey Junior Junior High. Or is it Ed
Begley
Senior Junior High School? Who the hell named these schools anyway?
I bet
it was that tool Brandon. He's such a ... Magical Mystery Doughnut."
"
I hate this school and I hate my classmates" Rachel Thought.
"We all hate her" thought
her classmates.
"La odio" thought
Jesus DeRodregiez-Gongallazez-HongKong-Phooey
"I hate everything about you" was
a hit for the band Ugly Kid Joe.
"Let's
go it's time for our Spics-giving assembly." announced
Ms. White.
As the class filed single file down to gym for the Spic kid's
birthday
assembly (Hey, those are the teachers words not mine, don't shoot
the messenger.) Rachel snuck of to carry out her dastardly
plan of revenge.
Her
plan was simple. Simple in a complex sort of way, but still
simple
none the less. Actually there was so much simpleness to the plan
it bordered on complex. In fact let's just go ahead and call
it complex. Yes, Rachel had such a complex plan that even she
didn't understand
it. It was
so complex that it only existed in theory. Which of course meant
she had to think of an entirely new plan that was nothing like
the first plan,
except that both plans involved someone dropping a chalupa.
"You
see," She
explained to her accomplice, her pet rabbit named Chuck
Yeager, "What we're going to do here is when someone drops
a chalupa, the
sauce will splash onto this sensor. The slight acidity of the
sauce will cause some science-type thing to happen and then the
school will blow up!"
What
Rachel didn't know was that Jesus DeRodregiez-Gongallazez-BelBivDevoe
was listening in, and as soon as he heard he went running to
Ms. White and
told her franticly "Fraulein White, Rachel versucht, die
Schule zu
sprengen, auch anscheinend, obwohl ich ein kleines mexikanisches
Zicklein
bin, das ich nicht wirklich spanisch spreche, aber ich fliessendes
Deutsches spreche.
"Yeah,
Yo Quireo Taco Bell to you too kid" was
Ms. White's reply.
Frustrated, Jesus DeRodregiez-Gongallazez-Menudo smacked the
Chalupa Ms. White was eating out of her hands to get her attention.
The chalupa went flying across
the gym right toward Rachel. As it hit the floor the sauce went
flying out
of the chalupa and hit Rachel right in the eyes.
"Arrrgh!" My
eyesight!" screamed Rachel "The
thing that clinically insane
people, like myself, value more than anything. Why, oh why, wasn't
I wearing my safety goggles?!?"
Rachel
began to stumble around blindly before tripping over a prostetic
leg someone had accidentally left behind and falling to the
floor and hitting her head and died.
The End
blows
up her school | july 4 | july4
v2.0 | christmas | christmas
v2.0 | has a cold | first
day of school | last day of school | halloween | holiday | new
years y2k | thanksgiving | thanksgiving
2.0 | valentine's | valentines
v2.0 | veteran's day
