Rachel in Valentine's Day v2.0
"Sweet Jesus and Mary Chain" thought
Rachel, "Is it Valentine's
Day again already? Bloody hell, I hate all these 'everybody love
everybody' holidays, I might as well be living in a Dave
Matthews Song, for crying out loud."
Like
every other holiday, Rachel had a plan to ruin this holiday.
Instead of sending all her classmates Valentine's Day
cards, she was going to send Valentine's Day cards *from* all
her classmates . . . *to* Michael Jackson. Rachel thought about
her plan, "Wow, I can't do that, I have morals, unlike
that sick
freak Michael Jackson. But what to do about my classmates. I
hate them all" thought Rachel.
"We all hate her." They
thought.
"Hey Rachel" said classmate Brandon, "I
got you a card, it says
'I choo choo choose you' and there's a picture of a train!"
Grabbing
Brandon roughly, Rachel yelled at Brandon, "You
farting fart knocker! We already stole that joke once, two years
ago! Can't you come with anything new? You're such a . . .
Magical Mystery Doughnut!!!" Rachel then grabbed her
pet rabbit
Chuck Yeager and stormed out the classroom door.
Mean
while back in the classroom, Brandon asked out loud "Al,
why haven't I leaped?" Al punched a few buttons and said "Ziggy
says you have to get her to love you back." Brandon paused
and
spoke "She will be mine .. . oh yes she will be mine!"
-Elsewhere-
Rachel
was putting the finish touches on her new plan for revenge,
and this plan didn't involve getting all her classmates
sexually molested by the King of (don't tell your) Pop.
Rachel
carefully explained the plan to her pet rabbit, Chuck Yeager. "Now,
Chuck . . . I can call you Chuck can't I? I'm
going to go to the Math Activities Reading Station next to the
principals office. We'll just call it 'M.A.R.S.' for short.
Once
there I will set every math type device to calculate
e the
approximate number of times people complain about seeing Carrot
Top on TV per day divided by pi. But that's just to satisfy
my
curiosity. My plan will be somehow to get on top of M.A.R.S then
crawl into the air duct located above it. Once in the air ducts,
I will use this robot I stole from Television's Battlebots,
which by the way is far better than Robot Wars, to . . . Hold
on!"
"There
that's much better" said Rachel, "That
paragraph was
getting a little too long. So as I was saying, I'll use this
Battlebot to run around and break stuff, like my classmates
faces! Here's a walkie talkie. But don't use our real names,
your name will be Mao Tse-tung. And call me 'Clown Control" Good
now go!"
As Rachel
ran off to enact her plan with the aid of "Vllad
the
Impaler", as this Battlebot was known. Her pet rabbit, Chuck
Yeager just sat there and did nothing. After all he's just a
freakin' rabbit. Do you really think he understands english?
Do
you think he could talk? Dumb asses!
As
Rachel approached M.A.R.S. she realized it was unusually cold
around it, but she couldn't let that stop her. She also
realized that M.A.R.S. was much to tall for her to climb on
without assistance.
"You, the adult type person over there!" Rachel screamed "Raise
me up onto this bloody thing!"
The
adult walked over looked at Rachel, then looked at the air
vent where all the very cold air was coming from. He looked at
Rachel and said "M.A.R.S. ain't the kinda place to raise
a kid,
in fact it's cold as hell."
Rachel
shook her head "I really should have seen that
one
coming. Alright, you've fulfilled your one joke purpose, not
lift me up there." And he did.
Rachel
began to crawl through the air vents. She prepared to send
Battlebot, Vllad the Impaler off to do her dirty work. She
flipped the "on" switch and . . . nothing happened.
She open the
panel to reveal the electric motor and circuitry of Vllad. " Blasted
. . . the circuit board is fried."
Rachel
picked up her walkie talkie to call her pet rabbit, Chuck Yeager.
She was mindful however to only use the pre-discussed code
names. "Clown Control, to Mao Tse-tung, the
circuit's dead, there's something wrong! Can you hear me Mao
Tse- tung? Can you hear me Mao Tse-tung? Can you hear me Mao
Tse-
tung? "
Rachel
hung her head in shame. "I *really* should have
seen
that horrible joke coming, why I'm so stupid for missing that
joke! It'd serve me right if another Battlebot came out of
nowhere and killed me right here and now for my stupidity."
Just
then, the Battlebot known as Atomic Wedgie came out of nowhere
and killed her for her stupidity.
"Ahhhh" Rachel screamed "If
only I'd be wearing my safety
goggles!" (For as well all know every clinically insane
person values their eye sight more than anything)
As
life slowly slipped from her body, Rachel realized she failed
to even see that coming, as it had attacked her from
behind.
The End
blows
up her school | july 4 | july4
v2.0 | christmas | christmas
v2.0 | has a cold | first
day of school | last day of school | halloween | holiday | new
years y2k | thanksgiving | thanksgiving
2.0 | valentine's | valentines
v2.0 | veteran's day
