Rachel in Christmas v2.0
"Goddamn it" Rachel thought. "I
hate Christmas and its anti-
feminist agenda. This school is trying to keep women oppressed
by perpetuating the Santa Claus mythos. We all know the real
Santa Claus is a female, and a man hating lesbian at that.
I
hate this school."
"They all hate me" she
thought.
"We all hate her" they
thought.
"She *&$#! hates me" sang
Puddle of Mudd
Rachel
was quietly sitting in class plotting a way to blow up
her school with the help of her pet rabbit Chuck Yeager. The
teacher was discussing with the class their feelings on the
Christmas Season. Her classmate Brandon, always wanting to
be
the teacher's pet was more than willing to wear a collar and
go
to the restroom in a cat box. Wait, that's not right. Brandon,
always wanting to be the teacher's pet was more than willing
to
participate in the conversation. "Well teacher, to me it
never
really feels like the Christmas season until I hear the 'Hanukah
Song' by Adam Sandler" said Brandon.
Rachel
couldn't let such stupid statement simply pass, except for
the fact that she felt the same way. Brandon was still
rambling on about what he liked about Christmas, " . . .
and my
favorite book is 'Harry Potter', so I hope I get lots of Harry
Potter toys for Christmas, My mom said I could buy a toy and
send it to the real Harry Potter. What do you think he'd want?
I
think he'd want a 'Girls-Gone Wild Dorm Room Fantasies 3' on
DVD. That's by far the best DVD I have."
"BRANDON!" Rachel
screamed her tolerance level have been
exceeded by 2.5 points,"Shut up already! You're not even
making
sense! First, why in the Blue Hell do you have 'Girls-Gone Wild
Dorm Room Fantasies 3' DVD? Second, there is no real Harry
Potter! Third, if there was a really Harry Potter, he practices
witchcraft, which makes him Wiccan, which means he wouldn't
celebrate Christmas!"
Brandon
taken aback muttered " . . . but in
the book ?"
"I
KNOW! In the book Harry Potter celebrates Christmas! That's
because J.K. Rowling is . . . is a . . . Magical
Mystery Doughnut!"
"Now
Rachel AngryCooter and Brandon Dumbass please calm down this
instant!" said
the teacher.
"My last name is Dumas" replied Brandon. "You
pronounced my name wrong, it's Smith" said Rachel. "Whatever," replied her teacher, "Rachel
why don't you tell us what you want
Santa to bring you?"
"Well" said
Rachel, "I
want a t-shirt with a picture of Jesus
on it, and then underneath that it says 'I was crucified on a
wooden cross and died for your sins" Her teacher gasped!
This
was the least offensive thing Rachel had ever said, unless of
course you are a Hindu, Muslim, Jew or some other heathen
religion. Then Rachel said " . . and then on the back
it says 'And
all I got was this lousy t-shirt'."
"Rachel," her teacher said "I'm
worried about you. I'm going to
send you to see our school guidance counselor, Mr. Mackey."
Confused
Rachel asked "Uhm
. . . isn't Mr. Mackey from the cartoon
South Park? Shouldn't you send me to someone who actually
exists?"
"I'm sorry," said the Teacher, "I
was confused, what I
meant to say is go talk to our guidance counselor, Ms. Pac-Man." Rachel simply shook her head and left.
Rachel
used the long walk down the hallway to devise a plan take over
the world. No . . . Wait, that's what Pinky and The Brain try
to do.
She
made plans to try to finally catch that Roadrunner! That's
still not right.
She
made plans to blow up her school. She made a quick stop by
the supply closet to
get
some safety goggles, because as we all know every clinically
insane person values their eyesight more than anything.
Besides
that, ever since Ralphie got that Red Ryder BB gun, she
was
certain he was going to shoot someone's eye out.
Rachel's
plan was simple. "I'm going to use explosives
to blow
up my school!"
"That's it? You're going to use explosives
to
blow up your school" said her pet rabbit named Chuck Yeager, "You're
not going to attach some bizarre timing device to it? Or
make it part of some device that would make Rube Goldberg
jealous? Or is that Whoopi Goldberg?"
"Holy Crap!" Rachel yelled as she jumped backwards "A
talking
rabbit!" Unfortunately for Rachel, she jumped back a little
too
far and slipped on the wet floor, falling down the stairs, and
landing at the feet of the Roadrunner, who mocked her
shamelessly. "Beep, Beep" and then Rachel died.
The End
blows
up her school | july 4 | july4
v2.0 | christmas | christmas
v2.0 | has a cold | first
day of school | last day of school | halloween | holiday | new
years y2k | thanksgiving | thanksgiving
2.0 | valentine's | valentines
v2.0 | veteran's day
