Rachel in Christmas
Rachel
was pissed, and not in that silly British way either. I
mean. . . it should go with out saying, second graders can't
buy alcohol because they don't have fake I.D.'s. Anyway, Rachel
was pissed, once again it was the bloody holiday season and
Rachel was over blowing some minor detail into some big
production because she felt the world was out to get her. Of
course if she didn't have this character flaw Rachel's
adventures would suck more than the movie Battlefield Earth.
So,
as I was saying, Rachel was unhappy. It really doesn't matter
why, although some of the who's in whoville said it was
because her heart was two sizes to small. There were other who's
in whoville who thought it was because all the important events
in her life were blatantly stolen from the programs on Cartoon
Network. Rachel had decided that the best way to relive herself
of her anger was to take an anger management course. It was
partway through her first session that Rachel thought to
herself, "This is going nowhere, I need to get out of here
or .
. . Oh . . . I don't know what! This is pointless, my inner
monologue has become nothing but a device for the author to
forward the plot in another . . . splendidly wonderfully
direction."
Rachel
decided that with that lame anger management joke out of
the way, her best way of blowing off steam was to blow up her
school with the aid of her trusty pet rabbit, Chuck Yeager.
As
if she needed more motivation, she realized the best time to
blow up the school was at the holiday assembly and performing
at
this year's assembly was the Von Trapp Family Singers.
"I
hate them all," thought Rachel.
"We
all hate her," thought
the Von Trapp Family Singers.
The
plan was, using a device similar to the ones designed by Rube
Goldberg, was to spear and jackhammer them, then cover them
for the three count . . . no wait, that would be a Bill Goldberg
device. Her device would be getting on Hollywood Squares and
. .
.No, That's a Whoopi Goldberg Device. The Rube Goldberg device
she planned to use started out with a bicycle stolen from that
fat exchange student who had thirteen water bottles and seventy-two
miniature ice scrapers attached to the basket of his
bicycle, which would be used to turn the crank, snap the plank,
and the trap was set. "Caaaaatch the mouse with mouse
trap . .
." Rachel merrily hummed along.
Rachel
added the final touch. An Acme Brand language identifier. The
device she had once seen used 50's Science (with
no Specific Purpose) Fiction movie. She set the switch to "German" so
that when the Von Trap Family Singers sang that "So
Long" song the device would activate. "I remember when
they sang that song on Saturday Night Live, the one guy was all
like 'I
don't have a character yet, but I was on Laverne and Shirley'.
That was so damn funny." Rachel hoisted the device into
the
rafters and began to exit the stage.
Suddenly
out of nowhere, Brandon, Rachel's dorky arch nemesis appeared. "Hey Rachel" Brandon squealed, "Wanna
listen to these
cool MP3's I just downloaded. I got the entire Metallica music
library, uhm . . . and Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus", Nena's "Ninety-
Nine Luft Balloons", Trio's "Da Da Da", and Rammstein's
. . . "
"Brandon!" Rachel screamed, "You
are such a . . . uhm . .
magical mystery doughnut! Do you honestly think I would fall
for
such a blatantly obvious plot point?"
At
this point for no reason except that the story was dragging
on, the bicycles tires exploded and the whole Bill Goldberg
device fell from the rafters crushing Rachel like ketchup packet
in the parking lot of McDonald's.
Brandon
pondered this for a moment and said somberly "Firestone."
Kane
pondered this for a moment and said somberly "Rosebud."
The End
blows
up her school | july 4 | july4
v2.0 | christmas | christmas
v2.0 | has a cold | first
day of school | last day of school | halloween | holiday | new
years y2k | thanksgiving | thanksgiving
2.0 | valentine's | valentines
v2.0 | veteran's day
