The
abomination I saw this week is called "White Chicks." Normally
I'd skip such a obviously bad movie, but seeing as it was the
first half of a double feature at the drive in, my wife and
I decided
it couldn't be *that* bad, could it?
Never again will I question my judgment. The movie was terrible. It was like
some decided to pitch Bosom Buddies meets the Simple Life meets
Lethal Weapon to UPN and UPN rejected it, so they decided
to make it into a movie instead.
So the plots something like this ... wait hold it.
The
*so called* plot is something like this. Shawn
and Marlon Wayans are FBI agents who instead of fighting terrorists
or busting my grandma for
downloading MP3's dress up like stereotypical Hispanic, or
maybe Indian, possibly Muslim, convenience store owners. They
screw
that up and . . . actually I've put more thought into the
plot then the writers did so let's just skip ahead. We meet
the
stereotypical police Chief and the stereotypical rival police
partners. Tito and Jermanine …. er … Shawn and Marlon … whoever
the hell they are, stereotypically screw up and just like
always the stereotypical police chief gives them once last
chance
or they are fired. Wow, that's a surprise!
The last chance assignment is to
protect the Wilson sisters from some kidnapper. No back-story
really on why they
need protecting but hey, we wouldn't want plot to get in the
way. The Wilson Sisters are the, you guessed it, stereotypical
rich bitch hotel heiresses, notice how their name sounds kind
of like Hilton? Pretty clever. The sisters break a nail or something
and they don't want to be seen in public so our "heroes" decide
to save their jobs, they need to go Mrs. Doubtfire on us and
decide to play the part of "White Chicks".
Everything that happens from this point out is one stereotype
after another. Look Marlon just did something a stereotypical
black person would do, but he's dressed as a white chick so it's
supposed to be funny. Shawn did something a stereotypical rich
white chick would do but he's really a he so it's supposed to
be funny. Look at the big strong black dude hit on the white
chick, but the white chick is really a black man so it's funny.
And so on and so forth.
I laughed literally four times the whole movie.
I know I counted. It was that bad. Three of those times was
just laughing at how
bad the movie was, and the fourth was a legitimate laugh, but
I ended it with "This movie's so bad" just so my wife
wouldn't think less of me for laughing at the movie.
How
bad was it? I went to the bathroom mid-movie and the obviously
drunk guy in the bathroom was talking about how bad it
was and then passed out on the floor. He was drunk and the movie
still wasn't funny to him. It was that bad!
Now
you may think I'd call this movie the worst movie of the year.
I'm not. I have to reserve judgment on that
until a movie
comes out that I saw as a preview to "White Chicks".
That movie is "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle".
The title alone gives it three strikes, but hey let's critique
the rest of the trailer while we're at it. From the makers of "Dude
Where's my Car?" (Strike 1) and the writers of Van Wilder
(Strike 2) and starring and I quote the trailer here, "That
Asian guy from American Pie" (Strike 3, Next batter) and "that
Indian guy from Van Wilder" (Strike 1). If you're not even
using the real names of the stars of your movie, you're in trouble
(Strike 2 & 3, Next inning). When the star power shown in
the trailer is Neil Patrick Harris (Strike 1) playing himself
(Strike 2) you're in serious dog doo doo. Especially when you're
trailer makes "White Chicks" look almost good (Strike
3 you're out!)
So
back to White Chicks. When it came time to award the Oscar
for best makeup, it will not go to this movie.
The make-up was
craptacular. They looked like … well Shrek. They even admit
this in the movie, and I’m ashamed to say that ... I did
in fact laugh when that part came in the movie. I did laugh,
I admit
it. But I didn’t enjoy it and I didn’t do it again
in the movie. Actually it was more like a cross between Shrek
and the twin girls from the Shining. Yet no one in the movie
can tell the difference between the real and the imposters. I
know there’s
supposed to be *some* suspension of disbelief. But even Ed Wood
would go, “Hold on, wait . . . this is too much.” Instead
of spending all this money on lousy makeup and prosthetics, how
about spending some money on plot, or acting classes.
So unless you’re a Baldwin and need to
make fun of another acting family, skip this movie.
My Rating: One thumb stuck way up someone’s
ass.
monster-in-law | national
treasue | win a date with tad hamilton | white
chicks | garbage pail kids: the
movie | short reviews
