VPML: Movie Reviews

So it's been a while, like 3 years, since I last did a *Very* Pathetic Movie review, that doesn't mean I don't do them anymore. I just means I wised up and realized, "If I think a movie's going to suck, then I shan't pay to see it." Thus I haven't.

Today, a co-worker, gifted upon my fiancee, tickets to an advanced screening of a movie. He had won them or something, and had no plans to use them, so why let them go to waste? I couldn't make anargument with that logic so I reluctantly agreed to see "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton". While I heard nothing about the movie prior, one can safely assume, that if the title of a movie contains the word "Date", it is a chick flick. The only exceptions to this rule, of course, is if the title also contains the word "Dead" or " Bloody", or if you have to go behind the beaded curtain to rent it at the video store. Actual I suppose the later still could be a chick flick, but a different kind entirely, and truth be told, that's a chick flick I'd enjoy watching.

"Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" stuck to this rule of course. However as I sat down in the theater it stuck me that it was worse than I thought. There's an old expression that says, "If there be grass on thyn field, then thou shalt play ball." Besides me and my woman, the only other people who could play ball in the theater, were people escorting people who couldn't play ball. Ladies and Gentlemen, this was a pre-teen chick flick.

Before the "entertainment" could begin, and I use the word entertainment loosely, some marketing person comes out with a microphone and talks to us. "Hi, I'm Vanessa, from WANK, Toledo's WB, thanks for coming." Dear lord ... they didn't even get a good sponsor for the sneak preview! I'm dooooooooooomed! Vanessa, who I could almost see in the dark, kept right on talking about their exciting fall TV lineup, including, but not limited to the second season of "The Surreal Life." For those of you not familiar with the show, take equal parts "Big Brother" and "Where are They Now?" and you have "The Surreal Life". Vanessa was informing us of some of this years contestants, and her opinion on them. For example, Vanilla Ice, was in her opinion, "a total has-been," which I for one thought was the whole point of the show. She also thought Tammy Faye wears too much make-up. Can you believe those wacky outrageous opinions. Whoa, they're so wacky! Then she brought up Ron Jeremy. However . . . no opinion of him. I for one wanted to know and I'm sure all the pre-teen girls waiting to watch the movie were as equally eager to hear her opinion of the legendary porn star.

Movie starts and as opening credits roll I notice something. Perhaps it's my back ground in graphic design that made me notice, but one of the opening credits was made to look like a hand painted sign, and they used a font called "sign painter" on that sign. When I see stuff like that, I just know whatever follows is going to be a steaming pile of recycled unoriginal monkey crap.

So, the movie introduces us to three friends, the hot chick, played by some hot chick. Now I say she was hot, but I was slightly disturbed by the fact her eye kept changing colors. Not her eyes, plural, but her eye, singular, kept changing colors. And it wouldn't match the other one. Creepy.

There was also the wacky friend of said hot chick, played by the attractive person Kelly Osborne ripped her look off of, and the male friend, played by Eric from "That 70's Show". Okay, I know he has a real name, but lets face it, I don't know and I don't care what it is, and to be fair, he's playing the exact same character in a different situation. It's called the Michael J. Fox school of acting and it works for him, so let's just call him Eric.

The three friends all work at Piggly Wiggly, which was the most original thing about the movie, Hot Chick is surfing the internet in the back of the store while wacky friend and Eric watch. You know, because all Piggly Wiggly's have large spacious break rooms with high speed internet access and unlimited break time. She discovers online that there's a contest to, say it with me now, "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton."

Tad Hamilton of course, is a handsome Hollywood bad boy, who is trying to project a wholesome image to win a movie part. When I say bad boy, this isn't the Colin Ferrell bad boy, no, this is the same type of bad boy you'd see in a Ricky Martin video, except no so gay. The whole contest idea was the idea of his manager and agent, played by Nathan Lane and the guy who is not Will, from "Will and Grace." I've never seen the show, nor do I care to so I'll just call him NotWill. Nathan Lane and NotWill steal every scene they're in, which doesn't say much, because it's the cinematic equivalent on leaving a dollar on the sidewalk and when it's gone calling it stolen. Nathan Lane and NotWill here both act like really, really flaming gay men, struggling desperately to hide it.

Which is weird, because the characters would have worked as either gay or straight, and had no effect on the so called plot. But writers of this film are so lazy, not only do they fail to identify the which characters has which profession, but they also fail to give them different names. This isn't they both had the same first name, or the the same last name, but they both had the same first *and* last name. They're both named Richard Levy! Not to be confused with Eugene Levy, which somehow would have made the movie so much better. We also are reminded that they are the Hollywood type, because, get this, they have a picture of the Hollywood sign in their office. Not an office that overlooks the Hollywood sign, but a picture of the sign in the office. You trim the budget where you can in movies like this.

So hot chick decides to enter said contest, and raise the $100 entry fee, with the help of her wacky friend. In a matter of 15 seconds, without even the aid of a video montague, she's achieved her goal. This mildly annoys Eric, but he doesn't say why ... oh the suspense. What could he possibly be thinking when he gives her that dreamy look, and then later mocks the idea of her dating someone, then writes her name in his notebook with hearts and stars and flowers?

The movie isn't called "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" for nothing, so guess what happens next. Surprise! She wins a date, with ... are you ready? ... George Hamilton! I bet you thought I was going to say Tad Hamilton. Well, actually she did win a date with Tad Hamilton, but I wanted to demonstrate to the writers of the movie how to put surprises in your writing.

With that Hot Chick, is wisked away from West Virginia, to sunny L.A. for her date with Linda Hamilton. See surprise twist! Not really. Hot chick goes on the date with Tad, can barely talk she's so star struck, pukes in his limo, has poor manners and takes her retainer out and puts it on the table to eat. Which is really weird because Hot Chick has the most perfect teeth I have ever seen! What however is a surprise, at least to Tad Hamilton, is that hot chick declines to come in to his house for drinks, which us people with grass on the field took to mean, he was looking for some nookie and got rejected for the first time since he became famous.

Hot Chick returns to the Piggly Wiggly, tells Wacky Friend and Eric about the date while on break. Eric realizes that he can't wait forever (although returning to work can) and he must tell Hot Chick that he loves her and has ever since they were kids (Just like he did with Donna on that 70's Show?). So he starts to tell her, and he stammers, and he tries to tell her but then . . .

At this point I must declare the rest of my review a spoiler, although if you have no idea what happens from here on out, you might as well read it, because you're not smart enough to remember it.

... He tries to tell her but then comes skating through the door is Gold Medal winning figure skater, Scott Hamilton, followed closely by Tad Hamilton.

Eric doesn't tell Hot Chick he loves her, but Tad does tell Hot Chick that Tad Hamilton is in love with Hot Chick. Week goes by, Eric tries to out macho Tad. Tad's just oozing manhood . . at least according to the 13 year old girl sitting next to me. Eric gives up, and let's Tad win. By the way, Tad was taking a dump in a Bar Restroom, with Eric watching when he decided to tell him that.

Eric however, claims that Tad will never know all of Hot Chicks, details, not limited to, but including her six smiles. He'll never know her "I'm Being Polite" smile or her "Talking About Her Friends" smile or her "That's Funny" smile or her "I Just Farted" smile, or her "I'm Going To Eat Your Soul" smile or her "I Put New Batteries in My PleasureVibe" smile. Apparently it's not only Bond villians who reveal to many details when it's most likely to come back and haunt them.

The next day Tad's image is cleaned up, so he gets the part, but he won't leave West Virginia without Hot Chick, after this long week, he's getting blueballs, and if I was in his shoes, I'd want her to come along too. She doesn't know what to do, and tells Tad "You don't know me, how could you possibly know my details in a week." There's a dramatic pause and half the audience gasps as they realize what details he knows and *might* use . . . then . . . another dramatic pause and the rest of the audience gasps as they realize he's *going* to use it. Then I, for dramatic effect, say the word "gasp" so everyone will know to do it in a second when he starts to tell Hot Chick about her six smiles. You see because he really didn't know her six smiles, but Eric had told him. So, he was a liar. Did the writers make that clear enough? You betcha! Hot Chick falls for the lie and agrees to fly to LA with Tad.

But wait, Eric decides that night to finally tell her that he loves her. Hot Chick ponders for a moment, and tells him, "That's nice, but I'm already packed." No, seriously, that's her excuse for not loving him back. Sorry, I might love you but we'll never know because all my socks are in the suitcase.

Eric, brokenhearted, runs away and joins the circus and marries a bearded lady. Hot Chick goes to Hollywood, Tad dumps her, and she becomes the star of many adult type chick flicks.

I like my ending better. The real ending I could have told you two minutes into the movie. As soon as they're in the air flying to LA, Tad's caught in his lie, he confesses, and Hot Chick flies back to Po'dunk West Virginia to find her true love. Only, surprise! Eric isn't where he's supposed to be, so Hot Chick flees his apartment, in a rain soaked sun dress, in high heels, holding her purse like a dead rat. This ladies and gentlemen is the funniest run I have ever seen in my life. It wasn't a high heeled run, it was a real run done in high heals.

Well guess what, she does find him and as it turns out, she's noticed he has, five different smiles. Awwwww, it's so predicitable I want to vomit.

In summary, watch the movie long enough to be introduced to all the people, then go home. Whatever you imagine will be tons better than this steaming pile of monkey crap that was actually produced.