I think if not for the drive-in movie double feature, this particular part of the VPML would have withered and died many moons ago.

With that said any movie that gives away its entire plot in the title is doomed from the beginning. There’s a reason the “Sixth Sense” was called “The Sixth Sense” and not “Bruce Willis Dies in the First Two Minutes of the Movie.” There’s a reason “Crying Game” wasn’t called “Dude, There’s My Penis!” However, “Monster-in-Law” only leaves the plot open for three options.

Option one, is that an unwitting groom married into the Addams family and tries to cope, hilarity ensues. But … that’s not this movie.

Option two: Frankenstein’s creation passes the bar exam, hilarity ensues. “Your honor, I’m just a reanimated corpse; your fancy technologies frighten me. When I see people talking on cell phones I don't know if there are people trapped inside trying to get out. But there’s one thing I do know, it’s when my client spilled hot coffee in her lap, she entitled to no less than 30 million dollars in damages.” But … that’s not this movie either.

The third option is that the rich mother-in law decided her son’s fiancé isn’t good enough for him and that she must get rid of her, boredom ensues. But … that’s unfortunately this movie.

The movie stars J’lo as the daughter-in-law, and Hanoi Jane as the Mother-in-law. AS you most undoubtly have heard by now, this is Fonda's first movie role in fifteen years. If she tells you she was just waiting for the right script to come along, do NOT believe her.

Playing the part of the groom is Michael Vartan, who, for most of the movie is suspiciously absent, my guess it was by his own request. Also playing the role of Fonda’s personal assistant is Wanda Sikes.

Sikes has had an interesting film career, in that in every movie she’s been in, she’s freaking hilarious. Of course every movie she’s been in has been a big stinking turd and her main talent seems to be pointing that out to the audience. She continues to stand out from the rest of the cast in this film much the same way the way Bob Hoskins did in “Who Framed Rodger Rabbit”. This is not a complement.

Her previous movie credits include the cinematic stinker “Pootie Tang”; sequel to a movie that didn’t need a sequel, “The Nutty Professor II: Attack of the Klumps”; and the stale rehash “Down to Earth.” Her role in this movie is nearly identical to the role she played in “Down to Earth” except now she’s a personal assistant instead of a maid. But still in a plot driven entirely by one dimensional cartoons, she manages to stand out as a logical sane normal human being. She scolds characters by pointing out how stupid and lame their actions are, and I almost expected her to start screaming “This movie sucks, I’m getting the hell out of here” and storm out mid-movie.

Fonda plays a TV News Magazine interviewer who goes crazy on air. And not in the funny “Bruce Almighty” sort of way. More in the “She was perfectly justified because the Brittney Spears clone she was interviewing thought that Roe vs. Wade was a boxing match” kind of way. I mean com’on! I’d slap that bitch around too for saying something that stupid … then I’d tie her down and pour chocolate syrup all over her and … well I seriously doubt that Fonda would go on to involve any props from the Adam and Eve catalog, but that’s just my personal preference.

Anyway she goes to the looney bin for a few months to regain her sanity and apparently kick her alcoholism. Because for the rest of the movie whenever Fonda secretly has an alcoholic beverage, there’s a beat where I think we were supposed to laugh. Okay, I admit alcoholism can be pretty funny, if this film was a Teen Sex Romp picture or a Wacky comedy, but this was a chick flick. “Yeehaw, my mother’s a closet alcoholic, that’s freaking hilarious.”

Anyway, while Fonda’s in the looney bin, her son falls in love with J’lo. Ma gets released, they get engaged, Ma decides her son can’t marry down socially and she begins her scheming by deliberately annoying J’lo out of the family. Eventually J’Lo figures this out and she begins to turn the tables on her, with equally stupid scheming. The problem is writers of this movie must be environmentalists as they seemed to have recycled the plot and all the characters from other movies. Even J’lo is playing the exact same person she played in "The Wedding Planner," except she is planning her own wedding this time.

Among the “monstrous” things they do to each other, Fonda makes J’lo get her a glass of water, then she complains that it’s tap water, and makes her go get bottled water instead … but get this, she makes her get ice too! Then Lopez makes Fonda wear something she doesn’t want to wear to the wedding! Oooh, that’s so evil isn’t it!

So according to the writers of this movie, when women are being “monsters” to each other, what it really means is that they’re treating each other like the average woman treats husband/boyfriend.

So anyway they go back and forth coming up with worse and worse things to do to each other, none of which are anything more than in reality slightly annoying. There’s no over the top hilarity. There’s no wackiness or slap stick. There’s just plain annoying. If you didn’t see all the behind the scene scheming, you’d not even know this was supposed to be a comedy. It was kind of like “Meet the Parents” except they were deliberately trying not get along … well, that and “Meet the Parents” was funny.

In a final act of trying to get J’lo out of her life, Fonda puts nuts in her gravy. I mean she puts almonds in her food, not those kind of nuts you pervert. And of course J’lo is supposed to be allergic to them. Wanda Sikes, being the only non-cartoon of the bunch, attempts to stop her; she remembers this scene was stolen from “Ms. Doubtfire” and it didn’t end well there either. Lopez eats them anyway and because of her allergy a body part swells up to twice the normal size. No, not her ass, but that would have been my first guess too.

I fell asleep somewhere around this point in the film, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say they both realized they were going to be a family so they just better start getting along, Wow, that’s a great ending. I should move to Hollywood and make a living as a crappy movie writer! Look out world, here comes "Weekend at Bernie's III!"

I was going to give this movie one star out of a possible 1 billion, and that one star would go to Wanda Sikes and she wouldn’t have to share with anyone. But I had to revoke a half a star for the poor film editing. A good film editor will make you forget he (or she) did anything on a movie. But there were several points in this movie that were just awkwardly edited. For example, Fonda is moving in with the loving couple, a mover carries in some boxes, stops next to J’lo, he looks at her. J’lo looks up at him to my eye contact with him while he speaks and … cut to that evening. Huh? Apparently they’re saving that gem for the deleted scenes on the DVD.

The remaining half star I revoked because as we were leaving the drive in, I turn to my wife and say “Well . . . that sucked” and my wife, who still claims to this day that “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton” was an enjoyable movie, says “Yeah it did!” It’s a chick flick that my chick wants to flick off.

The bottom line, imagine how big a crap someone with the ass the size of J'lo's could actually produce ... then give it a 102 minute running time.

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monster-in-law | national treasue | win a date with tad hamilton | white chicks | garbage pail kids: the movie | short reviews