Multi-Sectarian Affaire

(This particular piece was written by my father, shortly before I got married)

Well, Crut's big day is coming up. His days as a single man are numbered. Everything seems to be in order, but he's going to be real busy with the wedding and then leaves on a cuise. He's not gonna have much time. In order to help him out, I, Crut's Dad, am filling in for him. Welcome to the first edition of Crut's Dad's Mumblings........

Now, Crut's Woman is all excited about this wedding and has worked to make it a totally excellent event. The big weekend begins with the wedding rehearsal. Apparently this wedding is something akin to an off-Broadway play and requires practice. Since this is a multi-sectarian affaire, I guess there may be some reason for people to be familiar with what they are to say and do. However, this is definitely not true for me, the Father of the Groom!

See, last week I received a script in the mail from the Producer, (Crut's Woman). It's very detailed as to what everyone is to do and say. I read it carefully to be sure I knew my part. When I was done, I arrived at one very clear conclusion. I don't need to rehearse! My whole role in this thing is:

1. Come in
2. Sit on my butt quietly while everyone else does the talking.
3. Leave

Now, can somebody explain to me why I have to rehearse this? I mean, every day I come to work, sit on my butt, and listen to people talk. Then I leave and go home for dinner. After dinner I sit on my butt some more. Actually, at work I get to talk, too, so that's even more difficult. If there is one thing I don't need to do, it's practicing sitting on my butt. I do it at work. I do it at home. I'm really good at it. I can do it for hours without stopping. Now, if they wanted me to set up chairs, park cars, say a few lines or even walk down the aisle on cue, I might need to practice, but I do not need to rehearse just sitting on my butt. In fact, the only thing I need to practice less than sitting on my butt is eating. I don't even need to practice eating and sitting on my butt at the same time. I can do both with my eyes closed.

So, why do I need to be at this rehearsal? Oh, I just got it. There is one thing I have to do for this rehearsal that I don't do every day. I pay for dinner for 40. Guess I better get out that checkbook and start rehearsing writing that check.

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