My writing class's assignment was to stake out the local McDonald’s and observe and record activity. (This was probably the most fucking boring thing I’ve done since I had to sit in time out in pre-school.)

8:00 AM - It's a Tuesday. I’ve entered McDonald’s. It’s a standard McDonald’s. Over a Billion and a half served they claim. They must have a self-esteem problem if they’re still counting every single burger they sell.

8:01 AM - I’ve ordered and Egg McMuffin, two hash browns, and a large orange juice. Apparently they call this the “Large Egg McMuffin Combo.” I find a seat in the left rear corner of the main eatery. I begin to eat.

8:06 AM - My Egg McMuffin seems slightly underdone. The only other people eating here are four senior citizens who are seated on the opposite side of the eatery. Another elderly gentleman has entered. He resembles an over weight Mr. Rodgers.

8:10 AM - Ten Minutes into my meal. I have decided that the Hash Browns are superb and the instrumental music is bad. Mr. Rodgers has sat at the booth, in front of me. He also decided to face me. I believe he is under the delusion we are dating.

8:12 AM - Mr. Rodgers is staring intently at me. He uses two creams in his coffee. I am imagining the gator logo on his sweater coming to life and biting his face off. He is eating his blueberry muffin with a fork. What kind of man eats muffins with a fork?

8:15 AM - My meal is complete. McDonald’s has seen an increase since I arrived. There is now and total of eight senior citizens, Mr. Rodgers, and me.

8:17 AM - The packing that once held my hash browns have game pieces to the “Hatch, Match, and Win” game. The premise of the game is you peel off a sticker. Each sticker has a dinosaur part. When you get all of the designated pieces of a specified dinosaur, you win a prize. I have a total of four game pieces. Every game piece is a dinosaur butt. I did not win the Britney Spears prize package. Curses, foiled again.

8:25 AM - Eleven senior citizens, Mr. Rodgers, and me.

8:26 AM - Mr. Rodgers is unashamed to pick his teeth with his stubby fingernail. I’m not sure what could be caught in his teeth since he’s only eating a muffin and he’s eating it with his fork. Thirteen senior citizens, Mr. Rodgers, and me. I’d willing to place a wager that at least one of the senior citizens will keel over before I depart.

8:35 AM - I ordered more food as to not rouse suspicions. This is the “ Medium Sausage McMuffin Combo.” It consists of a Sausage McMuffin, one hash brown and a medium coffee. For some unknown reason, there is no small combo. Only medium, large and extra large. So far my date with Mr.Rodgers is dull. I don’t think I’m going to see him again. Thirteen senior citizens, Mr. Rodgers, and me.

8:40 AM - My hash brown this time contained two dinosaur posteriors. Not a single repeat from the first set of dinosaur rumps either. I can’t help but wonder whether this was a freak occurrence or if it is some sort of communist dinosaur ass conspiracy.

8:45 AM - I’m finding myself enthralled by Mr. Rodgers. It’s hard to believe that less than an hour ago I didn’t even want to date this man.

8:47 AM - I have come to the conclusion that my recently ordered coffee will never reach a cool enough temperature that I will be able to drink it. I may have to enlist the aid of a McBottled water.

8:50 AM - It appears that someone can’t read as they have been trying to “ push” their way in the “pull” door. Luckily the manager is there to assist them. Hark the heroic McDonald’s manager!

8:52 AM - A somewhat familiar face has entered McDonald’s. I seem to recall his name being “Bob.” He was at a party I once went to and there he was singing a song he wrote called “She Likes To Beat Me.” It was a lovely tune of love and leather.

8:57 AM - Mr. Rodgers has left me to join the group of senior citizens. My heart is broken. They greet him as “Reverend.” Maybe he really is Mr. Rodgers.

9:00 AM - Fifteen senior citizens, Mr. Rodgers, and me . . . and a few other people. Apparently Mr. Rodgers first name is Fred. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

9:02 AM - My coffee has cooled to a drinkable level. What exactly is a McSalad Shaker? It sounds like a cross between and a milkshake and a salad. I am disturbed.

9:05 AM - Mr. Rodgers has left me, perhaps for good. How do good relationships go so wrong? My heart may never heal.

9:10 AM - The senior citizens are getting quite rowdy. However they are slowly dispersing. I can make out some of the conversation now. Two old men are discussing how well Viagra works for them. Well, more correctly one is discussing how well it works for him the other is discussing how he does not need it. These wrinkly old men are discussing their wrinkly old wieners. Disturbing mental images are entering my head.

9:15 AM - Six, sexy, swinging, senior citizens . . . and me.

9:17 AM - I feel like the count from Sesame Street. One sexy, swinging, senior citizen. Ha Ha Ha. Two sexy, swinging senior citizens. Ha Ha Ha

9:20 AM - I have to poop.

9:24 AM - I’m done pooping. I feel better. Only two swinging seniors remain.

9:30 AM - One senior remains. But now like the migrating bird, I must leave for a warmer climate. Parting is such sweet sorrow.